I'm very sorry. Wink wink!
Monday, 03 July
Very sorry to everybody of course. It was another 2 hours of rearguard
action where we hung on for dear life and I was sure we would win until the
dreaded penalties. The French butcher Eric Cantona once said 'a penalty is
not a chance, it is a goal.' I think someone should tell mad Frankie
Lampard.
But finally we were undone by that dreadful winker Cristiano Ronaldo. Many
people have called me a winker in the past of course but I urge you not to
blame Rooney for his sending off. I was pleased with his stamp on Carvalho's
vitals. Although Carvalho will now be unable to have any little
Portu-geezers I can tell you that Rooney's metatarsal stood up to the stamp
very well. He is now fully fit. Good news for the Scottish man I think. But
please don't blame the boy. He comes from a poor family, look after him.
Don't let him get into any more fights with the boys from other council
estates.
There is much criticism of me not standing up and gesticulating in a big
Phil Scolari manner throughout the game. But I jump out of my chair once,
when one of my 346 credit cards digs rather sharply into my kidney. I wince
in pain, leap up and bang the bus shelter with my fist. But mostly, I sit on
the bench, for 120 mins, which is almost as long as little Theo. I think
Theo had an excellent World Cup. He didn't put a foot wrong. And he takes
back many memories of our stay in Germany. Playing on the carousel with the
other children at the Baden Baden funfair and leaping for joy when he finds
his lost teddy bear, Algernon. And I can tell you all that the grazed knee
he sustained in the park in Baden Baden is now fully healed. Nancy of course
is very upset Theo is leaving, no more bath-time playing with his "leetle
dolphin" as Nancy charmingly calls his bathtime toy.
Big Steve McClaren also proves he will be a great decision maker for the job
ahead. After scribbling furiously in a notepad throughout the first half he
finally makes a decision and flashes his notepad at me. 'Hobnobs at half
time I think Sven.' says the note. He will be the icing on England's
biscuit.
Immediately after the game I am inconsolable of course so I try to contact
Real Madrid president Jose Camacho Pedro Villa Tortilla III but I think my
job application has been lost in the post and he doesn't answer my calls.
But I hear a job at the glamorous Midlands city of Wolverhampton Wanderers
is going after the resignation of Glen, 'You've Gotta Have Faith' Hoddle. It
will be a difficult job. Several of the Wolves players are paying for sins
in a former life I hear. Playing for Torquay United for instance...
But despite our defeat there is a big outbreak of love in our camp. Gerrard
confesses that he will give Rooney a big lovely Scouse hug and even Rooney
seems to have forgiven Ronaldo. He says he will 'stick one on him' when he
gets back to Manchester. There is nothing like a kiss to resolve arguments.
Although this never works as well as jewellery for Nancy..
And so I must take my leave now. I am very sorry of course but as
Shakespeare's Henry V once said: 'Once more unto the beach dear friends.' I
hear the Maldives is very pleasant at this time of year... Oh and just a
quick note to the FA. No, you can't have the money back..."
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oh alright then :-)
