hey you, Good to hear from you. SorryI've been out of pocket lately, but things aren't going well for me mentally right now and I'm just trying to hold on. My bipolar and anxiety disorders are at their limit and I was just instructed by my doctors to take my sedatives three times a day, the maximum dosage, until this calms down. I haven't started this yet cause I have to get the timing right and their is so much that I have to be alert for. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this all. I don't know how I'm suppose to take care of the things that I can but not be so afraid of the things that are running through my head that may or may not be reasonable to be afraid of, and give control to Brad for the things that I just can't do anything about, and sit and watch that stuff go down without panicking that he's not doing it right or that something will go wrong if I don't do it but there are just things that I can't handle. My mind is totally overloaded or shut down to the point of being reverted to a child or even completely useless. I know I need to take the sedatives, but then what. I won't be as solid as I need to be. There's still so much to do and I feel like time is slipping away. Every time something good happens something negative droops on me too.
My Dad sent us a check so that we could go buy some furniture that we needed but spent an hour tearing me a new ass whole telling me that I was going kill Brad because of the way that I made him cook for me and that It was somehow my fault that his parents wouldn't help us with this situation. The exterminators were nothing but a load of bull shit and that we really didn't have to move but it was just me overreacting. On and on it went for an hour and every time I tried to be positive and say that something was going to work out for the best he would hit me with something negative again. Even when I told him that I had lost twelve pounds the only thing he could say was that we would see if I could keep it up. I feel like I have to justify every decision I make and that I have to explain every move I make. No one just listens to any decisions that I chose and says OK, Jenny, let's do that, you're right. It's always that I'm being over reacting or panicking or something and then when I turn out to be right then all hell breaks loose or we've been without something for a while or we've lost an opportunity. I told Brad that I wanted to go to the hospital and stay there till this was over, but if I do that I'm not sure what would happen with Brooks. Also, I can't sleep without the TV on and the last time I was at a mental hospital they didn't have TV's in the rooms and it was a total nightmare for me. The silence was completely hell on earth. I don't know what to do or where to go from here but something's got to give. I figured I could tell you the truth. I hoped you'd understand. Please don't think I'm a freak of judge me. If you don't want to deal with this I totally get it. You don't have to reply to this at all. I just needed to , I don't know. I just needed someone who might understand my head space. No one else gets this and it's hard to be the only one in this ship of panic and fear and anxiety and stress and everything else that I feel that I just can't express. Jenny and my goofy guide Brooks On Feb 18, 2012, at 10:25 AM, Mark BurningHawk Baxter wrote: > Hey, no problem. The thing is, I wander away a lot, and also do a lot of > "down time," where I just shut down my external stuff ... you know, ADHD/PTSD > / all that alphabet soup thing. But, you can call me any time at (541) > 412-6716, especially now that I paid the bill and it actually works! *grin* > The rest of my pertinent contact info is in the signature line before this > last line, in which I wish you a happy weekend, despite the infestation and > the relocation and the complication of the situation. Remember it'll be hard > on the pup, so hug him and praise him and maybe do some obedience exercises > and stuff just to reassure him that routine is still solid at the core. > Just what you wanted--unsolicited dog advice. > > > > • Mark BurningHawk Baxter > • AIM, Skype and Twitter: BurningHawk1969 > • MSN: burninghawk1...@hotmail.com > • My home page: > • http://MarkBurningHawk.net/ > > -- > You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups > "MacVisionaries" group. > To post to this group, send email to macvisionaries@googlegroups.com. > To unsubscribe from this group, send email to > macvisionaries+unsubscr...@googlegroups.com. > For more options, visit this group at > http://groups.google.com/group/macvisionaries?hl=en. > -- You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "MacVisionaries" group. To post to this group, send email to macvisionaries@googlegroups.com. To unsubscribe from this group, send email to macvisionaries+unsubscr...@googlegroups.com. For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/macvisionaries?hl=en.
