Prayatna Pune 1st Parents & Relatives Meet - Report March 18, 2012, 3.30 to 7.30 pm, at Child Guidance Clinic, Sahyadri Hospital, Pune (Collated with gratitude from minutes taken in English by Niruj & in Marathi by Aniket) Just into its second year of activity, Prayatna Pune hosted its first meet of Parents & Relatives of Gay & Lesbians. There were a total of 50 plus queers & their family members who participated in the meet, the largest ever at a Prayatna event to date. This included gays in the audience from Mumbai, an aunt of a gay, and the mother of a gay who arranged the tea & delicious home made snacks (sabudana khichadi, modak). The 10 Panelists consisted of Chitra Palekar; Harish Iyer & his mom (they specially came from Mumbai); Bala & his mom; Sid & his mom and Omkar, his mom & younger brother Hrushi. Dr Raman moderated the panel discussion mostly in Marathi with English translation & in Hindi (with one parent). The panelists, mostly unknown to each other gathered at 3.30 pm & had a closed informal icebreaker interaction aimed at getting to know each other. Questions to the Panel began at 4 pm, salient features of which are given below. Chitra Palekar, a veteran from film, TV & theatre is one of 19 parents who signed the 377 petition in India's supreme court now, has been on TV shows related to homosexuality & in pride marches, has started a helpline for parents of queer people with Queer Ink. Her daughter Shalmalee came out to her in early 90s, and now lives in Australia with her partner. Chitra answered the moderators questions in detail for over half hour. The highlights of her answers are as follows. When Shalmalee came out to her, Chitra was neither shocked nor upset, but surprised. Her generation never thought about sexuality. She knew about homosexuality as something in USA but never in her world. Chitra needed to truly understand homosexuality & so her journey of understanding began. Not just intellectually, but what her daughter was really saying. She read a lot, the material that Shalmalee sent. Chitra asked her daughter two things – when did she come to know; and why she did not tell her before. Shalmalee said she felt alone with regard to her sexuality in her teens, and did not know if anyone else was like that. There were discussions in the house about every single topic, but there was never any mention of homosexuality, so she was insecure & did not know how her mother would react. Shalmalee thought it was her fault and that her mom would no longer love her anymore if she found out. Chitra became visibly emotional describing her apparent insensitivity during Shalmalee's teens. Chitra felt like a hypocrite, because she considered herself a progressive woman. Chitra realized the truth of what Shalmalee said that sexuality is but a part of her life. Chitra learnt about Shalmalee's partner Christine & was happy that there was someone to support her in Australia. This was the same reaction as would have been, were her daughter to have a male partner. Specially since it was a time when Chitra herself was going through a personal crisis and hence did not have much time for her daughter. She only wanted to know if Shalmalee really loved Christine. Love is important, not gender. Christine became a member of Chitra's family. When asked by others about Shalmalee's marriage, she initially used to say something trivial or funny to brush off these questions, but then realized that she was being pressured by society to hide her daughter's sexuality. Chitra felt that maybe she herself was secretly ashamed of Shalmalee being lesbian. Hence, after checking with her daughter, Chitra started telling people, when asked, that Shalmalee is lesbian and has a partner. She does not necessarily recommend it to all parents. There were no negative reactions when told so, as Chitra spoke confidently maintaining eye contact. When asked why she signed the parents petition against section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, Chitra responded by saying that she firmly believes in an individuals right to decide whom to love, so it was a cause worth pursuing. She feels that society is being unjust to her lesbian daughter. All her life Chitra had been involved in fights against injustice, be it towards Adivasis or women etc. So, why not in the case of homosexuality too ? “My daughter is not a criminal”, she said, so signing the petition was an opportunity for her to do something about what she was feeling. Harish Iyer, a prominent gay activist from Mumbai, celebrity in press & TV is an inspiration for 2 feature films & has a biography coming up at 32, writer & creative manager, has come a long way from having attempted suicide after 11 long years of being a victim of child sex abuse by his uncle. He understands the reasons why his mother was not able to understand him when he told her about the abuse. " Sex education is important first for sexuality education." She has changed a lot since then and supports him and his work on child sex abuse. Before Harish came out to her, Mrs Iyer did not even have a hint of his being gay. She knew gay guys existed, but did not imagine it would be in her world. She initially thought that being abused made Harish gay. Harish explained it to her in detail, she attended parents & relatives meetings, talked to many people and then understood that it was not at all so. A psychiatrist's words stayed with her “there is a difference between sexual orientation and sexual habits”. After she started supporting Harish as a gay person, he became an extrovert, started making friends, became confident; in short, became a completely different person. Now she feels proud of him as a celebrity, but even more so because he helps others. Not all their relatives accept Harish's sexuality. “If they cant accept it, they can lump it. Sometimes, though, we expect higher levels of homophobia than there is, in reality." Harish's aunt was in the audience too, but aunt's husband was not willing to come. "Men, specially fathers dont come to these meetings because of their male ego. Even if one of them comes, that is great." She will support Harish's wish to be a parent, if financial security is first assured. (There was a single gay parent in the audience.) She does talk to Harish all the time about his relationships, as he keeps seeking her advice. She tries counseling or talking to other parents of queer kids. "Sometimes it helps and sometimes it does not. But this is work that needs to be done." She narrated some good & bad experiences of counseling Harish's friends & their families. Bala, is an assistant professor at a reputed management institute in Pune. His father first started doubting his sexuality at some point. His mother found a diary much later and realized the truth. "Mom does not fully accept it even now and was reluctant to come to the meeting, but did come anyway." Like most other Indian mothers, she had no knowledge nor idea that homosexuality even exists, even though she was a teacher. When Bala came out to her, she could not imagine homosexuality was real & that her son was gay. Eventually she had to come to terms with the reality; there was no alternative to acceptance. On being asked, she said two gays can stay together, she has no objection, but as friends. Many gays in the audience remarked later that their mothers would have given responses similar to Bala's mother. Sid, is a graphic designer & has a partner since almost 6 years. His mother has been a pillar of strength & friend for him all through his life. Still she did not have any clue about her son being gay till he came out in his mid 20s. She had heard a passing reference to homosexuality in a Marathi film, but had no knowledge about it at all, prior to Sid's coming out to her. She was shocked & deeply disturbed on hearing this. She tried to gather information about homosexuality, even visited a sexologist who asked her to bring her son, so she could change him. She told her husband about their son being gay, he totally refuted it, was non supportive & wanted to get Sid forcibly married at the earliest. For about 3 months, she faced a lot of difficulties & opposition from other family members. Sid's mom was surprised by the fact that he had a partner. She was worried that the (older) partner would use Sid & then throw him, thereby concerned about Sid's welfare. But once she met him, things transformed radically. Over time, Sid's partner has become like a member of her family, just like another son. She consults him on many issues, he is often over at their home for meals. The other members of Sid's family also like him a lot, be it his granny or young nephew & niece. Comparing Sid's relationship with any heterosexual relationship, she feels it is just the same, even though they are not living together at present, but supporting their parents. "They fight & then make up and have all the characteristics of any relationship." As a mom, she is sure that the only secret that this relationship continues to be stronger after almost 6 years, a rare occurrence in the gay world, is that "their love for each other binds them together". Sid's mom does not feel the need to tell the extended family about his sexuality. Her answer to questions about his marriage is that he does not want to get married, he is happy the way he is and she is happy in his happiness. She also sees a major positive change in Sid over the past 5 years, he is more mature & calm now. Chitra pointed out what seems to be common from all the accounts so far is that children start flowering once they come out to their mothers and get acceptance. This confidence they get helps them set aside their sexuality, or not make it the only issue, and they are able to focus on other things too. Omkar, is the founder of the Prayatna Pune group & a manager in a leading multinational company. Accompanying him is his mother & brother Hrushi. Omkar's mom who came for the meet despite having a plaster cast, is a school teacher and also his friend. She is very logical and rational in her thinking. Though she had a troubled journey after marriage, she is the more progressive parent. Omkar has a very close relationship with his mom & was scared of his dad. She was shocked & deeply troubled when she came to know about Omkar being gay. But her younger son explained to her & helped her come to terms with the reality. She now knows that there is no fault with her son, so she does not feel inferior. Omkar's elder sister was not very accepting, but is now a bit neutral and does not want his sexuality to affect their relationship. Her husband is more accepting and Omkar has a strong relationship with them. When asked by relatives about Omkar's marriage, she still says something to circumvent telling them the truth. "Society is becoming more progressive. Maybe one day soon, Omkar can live openly as a gay guy and marry and live as he wants." Omkar has always brought home his gay friends, so his mom knows them well. She has always seen lots of love and sensitivity among gay men, more than heterosexual men. She treats them all like her sons. Omkar has been like a parent to his younger brother Hrushi, but is now more a friend. Even when young, Omkar taught him to think independently. No questions were put to Hrushi as he decided to speak spontaneously. Hrushi grew up in a village, he read a lot & started understanding the hypocrisy in society, even sexual hypocrisy. When young,he described an incident, when someone called Omkar effeminate, Hrushi got very angry and defended him. Hrushi had a habit of going through Omkar's stuff a lot. He humorously described how he found a (gay) book 'Boyfriend' (by Raj Rao) & thought maybe a girl had presented it to him (before reading it). Later he thought Omkar was gay or bisexual and asked him if he was; Omkar replied that he was gay, hugged him and started crying on Hrushi's shoulders. That was the moment Hrushi felt that he had grown up and was an adult, able to support his brother when needed. Hrushi read about equal rights in his civics textbooks. Were'nt gay rights also a part of the rights he read about? He feels each individual must have their own independent identity & freedom. Hrushi needed only a few minutes to accept his brother's sexuality. Omkar had taken care of him almost as a parent & had fulfilled all other responsibilities to date. Then how did his being gay negate that ? >From then onwards, Hrushi has fully supported his brother, even convinced his mom to not force Omkar into marriage & ruin the life of a girl of another family. It was clear by the end that the spontaneous humorous talk from the only male relative present & that too the youngest, Hrushi had won over the hearts of most people at the meet. The mature head over his shoulders and the fierce support he gives his gay brother made many gays wish that they had a brother like him. Questions from audience Q1 – to Harish and Omkar's mothers Do you worry if your son is still single at 40 ? What advice would you give him then ? Ans – Harish's mom: she worries a lot, how will he look after himself then ? Omkar's mom: definitely even now would like him to have a partner. She tells audience " interested candidates please get in touch with me". Q2 – to Sid's mom Do you miss not going to ceremonies with your daughter in law ? If Sid and his partner marry, would you have a ceremony for them ? Ans – She is open to taking Sid's partner as a friend there; in fact has already done so once. They are not the kind to want a ceremony (Sid and his partner agree that they do not indeed want one). Q3 – Why do we need to talk so much about 'coming out' to parents ? What advice would you give to queer people who want to come out to their parents ?Ans – Chitra: feels that it is absolutely necessary to come out to one's parents. Saw a movie at Kashish where a girl says she doesnt care to, but Chitra feels that was just bravado. One always has the fear of not being accepted by one's parents. But such acceptance lends a kind of completeness. Just as having a grudge against someone gets in your way constantly, it is not possible to move on unless you come out to parents and get their acceptance. Q5 – We cant/dont talk about sexuality or relationships at home – how do I change that? Ans – Harish: Not all parents are that accepting – including the ones on stage, some years ago. There is a procedure, a strategy, to come out. Q 6 - Direct question – Mom knows questioner is queer but doesnt want to talk about it, and questioner does not know how to talk about it to her. Ans – Chitra: Need to establish some base first before talking about sexuality; need to prepare parents first indirectly by sounding them out on related topics. Need to understand where parents are coming from, their orthodoxy. Strategy should be based on an understanding of your parents. Q7 – to Chitra Would you help in initiating a support group for parents in Pune ? Ans – Chitra: Of course. Wants to start an email group – did so in the past but only got two responses – familyandfrie...@queer-ink.com Parents need a forum to talk confidentially amongst themselves, by themselves since they share differently when only amongst themselves, since one can not be that honest in front of one's kids. Unlike PFLAG in the USA, where parents, kids and other sit together, Chitra feels we need a parents-only forum for a honest discussion. As it was well past 7.15 pm, we had to stop the questions. The panelist mothers & other relatives in the audience were presented with personalized gifts on behalf of Prayatna Pune, to show our appreciation & gratitude to them. Even after the meeting formally ended, many in the audience continued to informally interact with the panel almost till 8 pm. Most who attended the meet agreed that this was definitely the best Prayatna Pune event since we began a little over a year ago. (Pune is also in the 'gay' limelight for the fact that six out of the 13 signatories in the mental health petition against section 377 are Pune psychiatrists). Warm regards, Team Prayatna
