OK, I read it over. In general, I like it, although I think words are being put in my mouth...
Anyway here's a bunch of nitpicky stuff that will reduce word count a bit. I don't have a problem with the length as the last portion is clearly standard marketing blurbs: "Flex, the Adobe Systems (ADBE) seeded" - IMO, 'seeded' implies that money came with it. How about "Flex, donated by Adobe Systems Inc. (ADBE), is an Open Source framework for" "We are excited to continue working to develop the Apache Flex Software Development Kit (SDK), Installer, Mustella Testing Framework, and Application Compiler Falcon to work together to leverage Apache Flex for building and maintaining expressive web applications that deploy consistently on all major browsers, desktops and devices (including smartphones, tablets and tv),² - Yes, I'm excited, but this sounds too much like a repeat of the first paragraph to be a believable quote. How about: "We are excited to continue working to develop the Apache Flex Software Development Kit (SDK), Installer, Mustella Testing Framework, and 'Falcon' Compiler to allow people to build better applications with better developer productivity", "These standards remove project risk for the manager because the language is supported in many applications, especially web browsers, and specified Document Object Model (DOM)." - I think this sentence is questionable. Can it just be dropped? "The SDK natively supports the Flash Player versions 10.2 through 11.5." - I don't think "natively" is the right word. How about: "The SDK can be compiled to work with Flash Player versions 10.2 through 11.5". "The ³Mustella² testing framework has been improved and many tests have been updated." - This is true, but Mustella is not in the release. Maybe we can just drop this? "The future releases of Apache Flex currently being worked on will include better support for Maven and better parity between mx and spark components." - Again I see this as a promise. How about "Work on next release of Apache Flex is already underway." Thanks, -Alex On 1/7/13 2:36 PM, "Guthmann, Scott" <sguthm...@on3solutions.com> wrote: >> My general impression is there are too many words even ignoring the last >> paragraphs which I'm guessing are required by Apache. > I did a word count after removing the "futures" information & the length of > the document is a concern. There are still about 650 words. Best practices > states that 400 - 500 is optimal. > > >> My personal opinion is that this kind of press release needs to grab the >> reader's attention in the first few sentences or it will get deleted before >> it completely read. > Considering the vicious attack on Flash by Steve Jobs and the huge quantity of > negative press surrounding the Nov 2011 announcement and subsequent > communications, this release will get some attention if only by the troll > reporters who want to bash Flex again because they are AppleFanBoys. The > negative press in this case will *not* be a bad thing because we are releasing > software that advances what the innovative company, Adobe did. (using lots and > lots of Adobe's help and resources) lol! > > The writers who cover this area will certainly shorten our submission down to > fit their need. So, "too long" isn't terrible & most writers use a filter to > grab certain keywords & only read the content that contains words they are > looking for. If this goes out during a slow news week, we may even get some > reporters who wish to do a feature story. This would be a fantastic result if > it happens. > > >> The first sentence isn't a complete sentence. Additionally, given we want to >> advertise Apache I don't think the first sentence should contain Adobe and >> have no mention of Apache. > I added you as an editor to the document. This may be required - IDK. Please > edit if you wish. If not, I will make your changes. > > >> The futures paragraph seems out of place to me or maybe it is just because >> the writing style is different than the rest of the document. > I'm on the fence on this one. Is Carol right or does this "futures" content > add something to the release? > > >> Since the press release is from Denver, internationalisation should be >> spelled in American English. If left in its present form there are other >> sentences that need cleaning up as well. > I left the proper English in the document to ensure I got some feedback. Good > catch! I will take it out & then get direction from the ASF VP of media & > publicity on where ASF PR originates. I live in Denver, so, I guessed.... -- Alex Harui Flex SDK Team Adobe Systems, Inc. http://blogs.adobe.com/aharui
