Hello again, Vortexians. It's been a long time, perhaps 10 years or so since I've been here. I can't recall exactly, but that was another life. You'd be surprised how much can change in that time, and how much you look back on with regret and sorrow. I'll start off by saying, if there are people here that were (fortunately?) not here back when I was, most of this won't make any sense. For that I apologize, and you can stop reading now if you wish. But there are still those here that do remember. We did have some good times, and some good discussions, and I'll always treasure those.
But there were plenty of bad times and bad feelings that I think were left unresolved, and I take the blame for that. I wasn't a particularly good person back then, and upon the private suggestion of another member of the group, I finally took my leave and didn't plan to return. But as time went on and I learned and grew as a human being, and looked back on the faults and mistakes I made, I thought of coming back and trying to make amends for the corrosive posts I used to make. It's taken time to get the gumption to do that, and probably the final catalyst to that was to look back over the posts I made those years ago and to be angry and saddened by how I once thought. I said mean spirited things, horribly racist and bigoted things, and swore like a sailor. The swearing I still fight with. Thank god the racism is finally something I was able to overcome and realize just how wrong I was. That particular thing is something that I may write on in the future, in hopes that it will help others avoid going down that road. Hate, especially the kind about how someone looks, is a horrific thing, and it will tear you apart just as much as it will hurt the target of it. Take it from me, someone who has walked that life before: avoid it. Do whatever you have to, and get rid of it. The temper is still there, to a degree, and I fight with it regularly. My inner Grinch, I suppose. Two people come to mind that were usually the target of my vitriol, there may have been more, but I've never been good with names. Jed Rothwell and Steven Vincent Johnston, or "Orionworks" as his handle was. Looking through the mail archives, I haven't seen him post for some time on here, so I may have to reach out to him privately to express my feelings. Jed, I think you're still here and active. If you're both here, so much the better, and to anyone else I was rough on in the past, I will say this publicly: I was wrong. I am sorry. The person I once was, is not who I am now. I'm sorry it took so many years for me to get back to you, and tell you this. But maybe you have to go off into the ether for a few years to get your head straight. I don't know. I'm no wise man, and I have found that I have very few answers. Back then, I thought I had ALL the answers. I thought everything was black and white, and so on. Maybe it's like my friend Tom says, you do things like that when you're "young and dumb and full of..." well, you know the rest. It's too bad that time travel doesn't seem possible. I'd like to slip back to those years ago, grab my younger self by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. Keep from saying the hurtful things I said. I guess you learn from them, and try to become a better person, but it doesn't make the memories sting any less. I thought about sending Jed and Steven and Bill private messages on this, but I thought that as my old, unhinged and sometimes deranged rants were a matter of public record in the Vortex archives, maybe I should post it here for all to see. It isn't easy, and I'm shaking a bit typing it, but perhaps someone who is like I used to be will read it, and be dissuaded from that path before wasting so many years like I did. And no, I'm not terminally ill or something like that, I'm just a man that regrets how much of a nasty bastard I used to be. Jed, Steven, Bill B., and anyone else here I knew before, I hope your lives are going well, and in these insane and uncertain times I hope they continue to go well. And thank you for having put up with me even back in those times. You're good people. I don't know if I'll post here regularly or not, probably at least for now I'll primarily lurk and read. But these were things I needed to get off my heart. It isn't easy to say you were wrong, but it was necessary. So, with that all out in the open, I'll ask this: what's new in the LENR/CANR front? Can anyone here give me a bit of a "brief history of Vortex" for the past few years? Anything new and interesting, promising, or just plain strange? I'd love to hear it. All the best to all of you, --Kyle R. Mcallister P.S., sorry for the length. Stream of consciousness and all that.
