So... I've figured out a workaround for this issue. Works every time.

1. Turn off both my built-in audio device and my HDMI device
2. Run VLC with the video I wish to play
3. While it is playing turn the HDMI device back on

Viola! Audio instead of unbearable noise!

Turning off/on the audio devices that I mention above I do via
pavucontrol ("Volume Control").

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https://bugs.launchpad.net/bugs/1613852

Title:
  My system is trying to assassinate me using sound

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