> In this case, how did the obit writers know that he did not want it included?

I would imagine that obituary writers err on the side of discretion.

In the case of a public figure, it probably has to do with what's on
the record. If the writer looks back through the clips and doesn't see
anything about sexuality, she probably won't mention it in the obit.
This applies to many aspects of someone's life - you're unlikely to
read that the deceased was cheap or didn't attend church, even if that
was "well known" among friends and associates, unless it was already
known to the public.

For a non-public figure, where there's no file of previously-published
stories, the writer will talk to family and/or friends and/or close
associates like co-workers. If the kinds of personal details we're
discussing don't come up in those less-than-hard-hitting interviews,
they won't appear in the obituary. Even if the funeral is a religious
service, there's no obligation to point out that the deceased really
wasn't observant

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