Danse Macabre: Dance of Death!!
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so
exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother
ex
This American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he
was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named
Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father a
A woman dies and goes to heaven. She is horrified to see another woman screaming in
pain as holes are drilled into her shoulders to fasten the wings.
Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the
halo.
She tells St. Peter, "I'll go to the other place."
"
**The problem with being bisexual is that you get twice as many chances to be
rejected, and both sides think you're a pervert!
**Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other
day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bu
A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large
tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her
land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a
spotted owl that attacked her.
In her h
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The
husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace tha
If we give love and sympathy
Even to those who hate us,
We fill them so with mystery
They know not how to rate us.
HELEN KING
A candidate sent an application to a firm as under: This has reference to your
advertisement calling for a Typist and an accountant male or female. As I have
been both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the
post.
An employee applied for leave as follow
Moto Perpetuo (Perpetual Motion): A piece of music that is to be played rapidly
without pause.
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor asks, "What's
your problem?"
The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... I give the missus a
quick o
A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've
got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can
you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know
you're not me!" His friend agrees and goes
Margaret went to her new gynaecologist for her first exam.
The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My
God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ...huge vagina!!"
She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious about
There once was a stupid man who was convicted of murder.
Before the man was sentenced, the judge asked him if he had any final words.
He says, "Judge, I would rather die than be sent to the electric chair.
Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep wate
I sent my soul into the Invisible
Some letter of the Afterlife to spell;
By and by soul returned and answered,
I myself am Heaven and Hell.
OMAR KHAYYAM
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her
husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's
not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been
killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the bush and hopped
around the crashed car.
The officer looked at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the off
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children
entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly
around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that
they pretended nothing was happening and kept the
conversation going.
The guests co-operated and also continued as if
nothing extraordi
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he
knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's
chief phy
A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole was feeling terribly sore.
The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.
"It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from the fellow's anus.
Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, s
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone
calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were
really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting wit
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people
in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I
bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a
wave of my hand."
The Pope says "N
All his life, Cohen has wanted to own an elegant, made-to-measure hand-tailored suit
with all the exacting details not found in an ordinary off the rack model. But he was
a little guy, not very successful in business, and could never afford one. Later in
life, however, things took a turn for
One great truth in life Ive found,
While journeying to the West
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
The choicest garb, the sweetest grace,
Are oft to strangers shown;
The careless mien, the frowning face,
Are given to our own.
We flatter those we scarcely
Mrs. Shah's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
She had to go to work the next day, so she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher. Leave the bill on the counter and I will mail you a
check.
And don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother yo
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a check-up. The doctor gave the
man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the
jar, which
was as clean and empty as on t
An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses.
There, he asks the keeper a fox, of course for a mate.
"For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox.
"No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit.
"But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit lik
Nina, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on
the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.
The local priest walks by and gives her a glare. "Nina! Smoking at such a young age!
Aren't you ashamed?"
"What?" said Nina. "You got something better to do after sex?"
The
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the
fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried
him."
The
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their
wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she
declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed
qu
As he was coming out of the church, the pastor caught John's hand and said, You need
to join the Army of the Lord. John replied, 'I am already in the Army of the Lord.'
The pastor asked,' How come then I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
John replied, "I'm in the Secret Serv
Sex is so popular because its so centrally located.
**A Highway Patrol officer pulled over the cute blonde for speeding.
When he walked up to her and opened his ticket book, she said: "I bet youre going to
sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's ball."
He replied: "No Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment silence whil
The article below from NYTimes.com
has been sent to you by [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Hoisting Rainbow Flags, Wearing Campaign Buttons
June 28, 2004
By PATRICK HEALY
Down Fifth Avenue they paraded once again, a cacophonous
carnival of drag queens, same-sex parents and beach-ready
musclemen. But this
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think,
honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast
David on Headlines Today. Lovely material for
sore eyes!!
Ciao and thanks in anticipation.
Asfan
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were
unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check
Wishing all doctors a very happy Doctors Day (July 1).
The doctor was examining the buxom lass.
Big breaths, he told her.
Yeth, arenth they? she said. And I am only thixtheen
DOCTORS HAVE GOOD STORIES, TOO:
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in th
. And God Created Man:
In the beginning God created Eve, and she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the
garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're things, Eve?" God asked.
"It's all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking,
the smells, the sights, everything is
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my
hair is
done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I
may or may
not have sex. And if my hair is co
There is so much of loneliness
On this uncharted earth
It seems each ones a prisoner
Within a cell from birth.
There is such need for unison,
Such need for clasping hands,
Yet we deny the brotherhood
The human heart demands.
ANON.
An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and
roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,
the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "Wha
A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for
her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she
wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can
have 60 minutes
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to
heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want - in Heaven."
Arthur thought abou
COMPUTER JOKES
** When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop
where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged Rs. 100 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better
off readi
Joe was very depressed, and he explained to his friend that "I just can't get over
having three balls."
"Three balls?!?!?!? Pal, we can make a FORTUNE together!!!"
"How?" Joe asked, as a smile returned to his face.
"We'll go to a bar and bet everyone that between you and the bartender, you have
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the
whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at
A Balinese wood-carved sculpture with large genitals is the centre of a row between a
shop owner, police, and a local council on the north-coast of New South Wales.
The 1.8 metre statue, known locally as "the ugly man", stands outside the Yamba
Pawnbrokers and Second Hand Goods store.
A num
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor
There was a little old lady standing at a corner one windy day. She was using both
hands to hold her hat on while the wind blew her dress up.
A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of
yourself, letting your skirt blow around, like that, while you stand t
If you are tempted to reveal
A tale to you someone has told
About another, make it pass
Before you speak, three gates of gold;
These narrow gates. First, Is it true?
Then, Is it needful? In your mind
Give truthful answer. And the next
Is last and narrowest, Is it kind?
And if to re
During her annual check-up, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the
examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed
and tell me when you're through."
I
BARCAROLLE: A song sung by Venetian gondoliers.
Appropriate for todays tune:
While vacationing in Italy an American businessman married a young Italian girl.
Since they had only known each other for a few days before the wedding, it was on the
ship returning to New York that they had their
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's d
The article below from NYTimes.com
has been sent to you by [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Gay-Marriage Ban Faces Loss in Early Vote
July 14, 2004
By CARL HULSE
WASHINGTON, July 13 - Senate Republican leaders face defeat
in their push to add an amendment prohibiting same-sex
marriage to the Constitution,
A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realise that this is only a
formality,...
but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"
"Who says it's ONLY A FORMALITY?" asked the father angrily.
"Her obstetrician!" replied the young man.
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One compla
Did you hear about the Scotsman who got bashed black and blue? He had wandered into
the wrong room thinking it was marked, LADDIES.
And then there was the other Scotsman who went to the hotel and asked for a Tartan
room. He got both!
(Tart and room).
A girl retuning from a cruise to a C
The article below from NYTimes.com
has been sent to you by [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Bush Refines His Position on a Measure Banning Gay Marriage
July 15, 2004
By RICHARD W. STEVENSON
WASHINGTON, July 14 - From the beginning, gay marriage has
been an issue that President Bush has tried to finesse.
`A man was wandering around a fairground when he happened upon a fortune-teller's
tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh he went inside and sat down. "AH", said
the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two
children."
"That's what you think," said the m
One little smile when things go wrong
Will drive off many a frown;
One pleasant look, though the thoughts do rage,
Will put the temper down.
And twice all the pleasure that we give out,
At the time when we are most tempted to pout,
Will sweeten our lives like a breath of May,
And the sun
*The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there
first.
*What's the usual tip?" a man growled when the young college student delivered his
pizza.
Well," said the young man, " This is my first delivery, but the other guys said if I
got a quarter from you,
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He
wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every
day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I
go through, so please allow her body to s
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its
hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and
counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly
perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in
th
KINDERLIEDER: German for childrens songs :
One evening recently, a mother entered her daughter's bedroom to discover it empty.
As she looked around, she spied a letter over the bed. With trembling hands and a
terrible sense of premonition, she
read
Dear Mom;
Please don't be ma
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new
sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialities:
"Homosexuals & Haemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it.
The Doctor was eager to p
Book Review
"Bill Clinton's autobiography came out today. It's based on a true
story." -Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the
last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything
that's in this book." -David Letterman
"Bill
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping along the middle of the
road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in
front of the car and he hit it anyway. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as
being an animal lover, pulled over to
Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's hidden stash of S&M* and sexual
bondage magazines.
Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know what to do. So, she waited until her
husband got home to discuss it with him.
After she showed him the magazines, she asked him,
"Well, what
Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing
their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.
They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the
west coast, and she was accepted to a school on t
How do these people survive?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of
6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half
dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only
ha
Don't start the day with doubts & fears,
for where they live, Faith disappears.
Love won't grow in a gloomy heart
where sorrows live and teardrops start.
Don't give up before you've begun
you still have time to get things done.
Don't be a quitter; you're not alone
--- we all
ences.
-
yes asfan, they did the same to me. only after i complained to yahoo did they listen.
infact, this group has done it time and again. please do complain to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
and visit
http://add.yahoo.com/fast/help/us/groups/cgi_abuse
give them all the details
all those who
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to
marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage
might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it
was time to broach the sub
.
Asfan.
On Sun, 25 Jul 2004 Sahil Khan wrote :
Can someone Clear my doubts on the following issues:
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Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
h
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they
needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one
look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old
men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead.
Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident
going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of
Tennessee
and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't
make it back to Alabama u
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min. The
average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes.
Since the average length of a penis is 6 inches the average boyfriend receives 216
inches or 18 feet per intercourse. The ave
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would
mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can
drive," then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive," then spit, "Damn that
sonofabitch can drive," then spit.
A man sits dow
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when
he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl.
She had no panties on, so he called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a pair of
panties.
The girl was so happy that she ran home and told her mot
Todays Thought for Sunday is also for Friendship Day.
Wishing one and all a very happy Friendship Day,
Asfan.___
Think of me as your friend, I pray,
And call me by a loving name;
I will not care what others say,
If only you remain the same
I told her that she was like a fine wine...and that I am like a corkscrew!|
==
Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He
was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. Afte
On Sun, 01 Aug 2004 Kris Bass wrote :
I hope everyone is having a bang with their friends.
Cheers
Kris
ReallY? Tut,tut!!
Asfan.
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them
a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a
park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the
couple is looking somewhat puzzled at t
I Am Gossip
My name is Gossip.
I have no respect for justice.
I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives.
I am cunning, malicious and gather strength with age.
The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.
I flourish at every level of society.
My victims are helpless.
They cannot
At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One
day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to
fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be
replaced soon."
The priest thanked her f
**My father once told me of the time he was a little careless in a restaurant. It
seems that between the appetiser and the entree he had occasion to go to the lavatory.
Shortly after returning, the waiter brought his main course, and while serving managed
to surreptitiously pass my father a n
The article below from NYTimes.com
has been sent to you by [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Missourians Back Ban on Same-Sex Marriage
August 4, 2004
By MONICA DAVEY
ST. LOUIS, Aug. 3 - Missouri voters on Tuesday
overwhelmingly approved an amendment to the State
Constitution barring gay marriage, becoming
"So let me get this straight," said the prosecutor to the defendant. "You came home
from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct,"
says the defendant. "Upon which you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing
her?" "That's correct." Says the defend
The New York Police Department was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent
businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. Jill, his
voluptuous private
secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been
acting peculiarly ever sinc
WHY YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY A BOMBAY GIRL
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new
wives straight on their duties. The first man had married a woman from
Delhi and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the
dishes and house cleaning that needed d
The Twelve Gifts of Birth
At the wondrous moment you were born, as you took your first breath, a great
celebration was held in the heavens, and twelve magnificent gifts were
granted to you by the angels.
The first gift is Strength... may you remember to call upon it
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved
from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny loo
An elderly couple would constantly argue about everything. The woman often ended by
vociferously stating, "I'll dance on your grave
..I'll dance on your grave." As luck
would have it the man died first. His last wish was to be buried at sea!!
When the 93-year-old rich man married the 23-ye
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WW II I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest. "That's not a sin,"
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit it wasn't good, but it was for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you Father, that eases my mind. F
Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I finally
found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"
"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're
going when I'm driving."
The angry wife m
Is any TV channel going to telecast the opening ceremony of the Olympics? If so,
which channel and at what time (IST)? I'd be very thankful for the info.
Asfan.
asfan
in india, doordarshan has the rights to telecast olympics. so dd it is for indians
mode
America's recreation preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Bas
How "open and progressive" is America really? And this did HAVE to be done?
Asfan.
The article below from NYTimes.com
has been sent to you by [EMAIL PROTECTED]
New Jersey Governor Resigns, Disclo
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