INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens
mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm
and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with
right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse
from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figures
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water
to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.
Throw
Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill
from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg
of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's
mouth
open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to
wash pill
down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call at
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Ron Pitts
Caravela Books
134 Goodburlet Road
Henrietta, NY 14467 http://caravelabooks.com
--
PHP General Mailing List (http://www.php.net/)
To unsubscribe, e-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
For additional commands, e-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To contact the list administrators, e-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
