Haai,
[tl;dr: zeur ranting, skip if you're not in the mood]
While I'm no longer subscribed to this list, I wonder if I can enrich
your evening with a little... amateur psychonanalysis. Let's find out.
The recent Intel fiasco, as described (with more technical insight and
accuracy than seems to be their general modus operandi these days) on El
Reg, made me go to the list archives to have a look if the issue is
being discussed here (not quite yet, it appears; but then again, perhaps
it is not an issue w/ OpenBSD in the first place). Afterwards, I could
not resist the temptation to look at what happened on the list during my
absence (which I intend to continue; but while this is a one-time thing,
I might pop up now and then with rants like these).
Everything seems to be like usual: a lot of bickering and little
progress. My mind drifted to the past, and more generally to the
question as to why I fare so poorly in project-centered groups. I'll
spare you my deliberations, yet I could only come to one conclusion:
such groups tend to look inward, and focus on social cohesion, to a
degree that makes me rather uncomfortable. I then tend to respond by
being more rebellious than is theoretically justified, and down the
crapper it goes (as you might well have guessed, I have RL problems
like this as well).
I'm still open to alternative explanations, whether opposing or
complementary (is both possible?). I'd be very grateful for them, in
fact. But I've learned not to actually expect anything...
A long time I've been wondering what makes people this way. Today, I
think I have a new puzzle piece towards the answer: I 'missed out' on
high school, so I didn't learn to identify and deal with what I believe
to be called 'cliques' at a relatively early, more impressionable age;
that would have prepared me for many a misadventure on mailing lists
like these.
Y'know, the funny thing is, I still don't feel that I've missed out on
anything by not attending high school, or observing the sudden dulling
of the spirit that seems to be so common in humans reaching adulthood;
indeed, I feel enriched by going and staying outside the paths that so
many would have me (and everyone else under their influence) follow. I
don't care if my way is longer, or more difficult: dtrt'ing is much too
important to me.
My experience of trying to discuss things here was frankly traumatic,
and made me question not only my own sanity, but that of Theo's,
Espie's, etc. as well. After all, what good is a mind that cannot stand
contrary influences? I was (and kind of still am) suspecting myself of
possessing such a mind, as well. In the end, I had to conclude that no,
none of us are quite insane; and that yes, we are all just acting on our
previous experiences (that's how a neural network works, after all).
It is thus probably not your fault that the OpenBSD project (and indeed
many other projects; I have mentioned NetBSD in a previous message) is
turned inward, yes, even incestous; and it is not my fault that I cannot
thrive in such an environment. Such is life.
What this all comes down to? No, I'm not a loser (hi Eric Furman!). Yes,
I still have objections to the way the project works, but they don't
matter. I should shut up and work on my own stuff. And as for you
folks... try to be a little more open to outside influence. I know it's
hard to learn to deal with it, but it might just help you in ways you
cannot even imagine right now. Life with an open mind is an adventure,
embrace it =)
There's bit of a snowstorm going on here in Wuerbenthal. I like it,
makes me feel cuddly and quiet. Truth be told, I tend to fare as badly
in summers as I do in closed communities. Sometimes I wonder why I don't
just mv to Siberia.
Oh, and to anyone writing me off as a drama queen or something: I'll at
least expect you to create an ED article on me to back it up. In fact,
I'd be honoured if you do. But I doubt you have the balls (take that as
a challenge if you will).
"It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy... Let's go exploring!"
Good evening,
Baai,
--zeurkous.
--
Friggin' Machines!
