To add one more I heard this exchange at Ft. Bragg. A helicopter sitting on a grass helipad requesting takeoff clearance said, " from the man in the grass to the man in the glass, give me a go and I'll give it the gas." Tower- "you've got the nod, take off from the sod." Jack Cooper
> [Original Message] > From: Ron Eason <r...@jrl-engineering.com> > To: KRnet <kr...@mylist.net> > Date: 9/22/2004 7:04:25 PM > Subject: KR> Pilots to control towers > > This is funny. > > Pilots to control towers > > Here are some conversations that airline > passengers normally will never hear. The following > are accounts of actual exchanges between airline > pilots and control towers from around the world. > You may have read some of these before, but > they're worth repeating. > > Exchange # 1 > > Tower : "Delta 351, you have traffic > at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" > > Delta 351: "Give us another hint! > We have digital watches!" > > Exchange # 2 > > "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn > right 45 Degrees." > > "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much > noise can we make up here?" > > "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 > makes when it hits a 727?" > > Exchange # 3 > > >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very > long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" > > Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, > identify yourself immediately!" > > Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f..king bored, not > f..king stupid!" > > Exchange # 4 > > O'Hare Approach > Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is > a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." > > United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say > this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." > > Exchange # 5 > > A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. > While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, > "What was your last known position?" > Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." > > Exchange # 6 > > A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly > long roll out after touching down. > > San JoseTower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn > at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, > take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the > lights and return to the airport." > > Exchange # 7 > > There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority > landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running > "a bit peaked." > Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number > two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. > "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine > approach" > > Exchange # 8 > > Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned > around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it > finally took off. > > A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, > exactly, was the problem?" > > "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," > explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a > new pilot." > > Exchange # 9 > > A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich > overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German) : "Ground, > what is our start clearance time?" > > Ground (in English) : "If you want an answer you must > speak in English." > > Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German > airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" > > Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British > accent): "Because you lost the bloody war" > > Exchange # 10 > > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact > Departure on frequency 124.7" > > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to > Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw > some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." > > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind > Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did > you copy that report from Eastern 702?" > > Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; > and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our > caterers." > > Exchange # 11 > > One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the > tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 > landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and > taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted > comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, > "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" > > The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came > back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. > Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts to build > another one." > > Exchange # 12 > > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned > as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know > one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any > assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that > we (a Pan Am 747 crew) listened to the following exchange > between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, > call sign Speedbird 206. > > Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active > runway." > > Ground : "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." > > The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. > > Ground : "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" > > Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate > location now." > > Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have > you not been to Frankfurt before?" > > Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, > and I didn't land." > > Exchange # 13 > > While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a > US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong > turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. > > An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US > Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are > you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! > You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's > difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but > get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, > she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed > everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right > there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive > taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly > where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, > US Air 2771?" > > "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground > control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal > bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate > ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every > cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. > > Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his > microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" > > > > > > _______________________________________ > to UNsubscribe from KRnet, send a message to krnet-le...@mylist.net > please see other KRnet info at http://www.krnet.org/info.html
