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From: "ATUL SINHA" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
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Subject: jokes fwd
--- Begin Message ---
And You Thought Sardars Are Dumb
Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala
to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa,
tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa."
Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't
know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000."
This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this
torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"
Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill,
and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa
asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated,
he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an
hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs
Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and
goes back to sleep. And you thought Sardars were dumb.
Sardar Jokes
While waiting for a bus a sardar sees a truck being towed away by
another truck. He laughs, breaks down, rolls on the ground and cannot
control his laughter. There is a madrasi who is standing with the
sardar for the bus. He wonders what's up ? Calls sardar, but sardar
cannot control himself, points at the towing truck & again rolls on
the ground, billowing more dust. The madrasi appa is annoyed, pulls
up sardar asks him what is so funny ? The sardar says "Kya zamana aa
gaya hai, Ek rassi uthane ke liya do-do Truck" and again starts
rolling.......
One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of
a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa
singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident." Sardarji was in
panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window. While
coming down when he was near the tenth floor, he remembered he didn't
havea daughter named Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he
remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he
remembered he was not Santa Singh.
The sardarni asks her lover, "santa dear, if we get engaged,will you
give me a ring?". "Sure", replies santa. "What's your phone number?"
Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?"
Sure." "Give me a green one, please."
Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
Just a sec," says the rep. Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs
up.
EMPLOYMENT.. Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a
job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then
he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He was not sure as to what
to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes
CROCODILE BOOTS.. Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you
bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and
disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting
crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the
reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again*
barefeet!"
A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the
clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a
thermos flask." The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk
responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold." The
sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with
his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that
shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a thermos flask." The boss
then says, "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in
Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting
complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"
What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ? He will compare it
with the original for spelling mistakes !!
What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper
? (he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a photcopy of
the white paper !!!
Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were
planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get
Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult
question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll
attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA
and we'll automatically get developed." All the surds became happy on
this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single
word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, "OH!
THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA
?????"
Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would
like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't
sell to SARDARs," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and
changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would
like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman
replied. "Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a
complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit,
big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the
salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to
Sardars," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a
Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure
gauge in his ear
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the
pin and throw it back.
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like
crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on
Wednesday.
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his
ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.
Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train
them on Monday.
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his
head.
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T'
silent!).
What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms? They think their
picture is being taken.
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Sardar dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone
How do you get Sardar on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the
house.
"Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardar looked skyward and said "Where,
Where?
What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common? You always hear about
them but you never see them.
Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a
regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
TO LOSE WEIGHT.. The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight
kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of
300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight,
but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm
2400 kms from home."
TRAIN TO LUDHIANA.. Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a
railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to
Ludhiana?" "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start
approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon
sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai"
Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai
lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he
takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and
asks "kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies "Saali
train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun"
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave
the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up
when the Station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for
20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji
fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station
arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home,
he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the
mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on
the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started
thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing;
what are you thanking God for ?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking
Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time,
otherwise I would have been missing too."
Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
"Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." "How come you write
"Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" " Aah, Sardarji read a
newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a
Chinese."
Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer
space. The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" its the
barking sound "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!" "Woof!"
"Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!" "Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop
barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock
Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a
ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for
several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the
next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the
same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and
I'll go get a ladder. " The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says
"I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in
Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh
somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed
to the top. After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs
to see friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching
the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Arre
Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared? I was
enjoying my ride down there ? Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've
got a driver."
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him
what had happened to his ears and he answered, " I was ironing a shirt
and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. " Oh Dear! "
the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ..what happened to your other
ear?" "The scoundrel called again."
Heavenly Justice
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he
could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an
obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun
was out, no clouds were in thesky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge
to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he
was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three
hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he
began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite
perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should
be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He
swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and
landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect
hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"
The Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life
for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want."
With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide
grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue
and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll
crap on its head."
Finding Religion
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to
find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds
this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My
God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure
this is where he fell in?"
Lesson Learned
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on observation. He
took out a jar of yellow liquid.
"This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be
observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the
good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any
of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second
finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
The Big Shot
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law
school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be
a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So
he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make
a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came
to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the
while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has
agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary
argument and the other members of my team will provide
support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to
discuss the details.
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down
the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you
can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
Baseball Heaven
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons
and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol
and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make
a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's
baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes
on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons
by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Blonde Vision
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I
would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big
baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before
she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this
TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
More about Blondes
What do you call a Blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!
No Offence Intended Towards The Ladies
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man
has rested.
Credit Card
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Feeding Peanuts
A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and
asks them their names and what they're up to.
The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts
to the lions."
The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts
to the lions."
The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."
Key to a Happy Life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
**
Three Dumb Hunters
Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to
get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other
two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow
tracks. I get buck."
So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he
does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow
tracks. I get doe."
So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised,
bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what
happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by
train!"
** "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm
beautiful, smart and rich"
** Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they
need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last
$600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull
for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it
for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to
send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive
out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After
thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send
her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive
out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write,
comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
**
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
** A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the
usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to
have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with
no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the
situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
**
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent -
stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing..."
** It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes
unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets
of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip
and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his
hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his
note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail,
she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
** Blonde Detectives
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he
shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde
answers: "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one
eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...he has one eye because the
picture shows his PROFILE, a SIDE VIEW. That's just ONE SIDE of him!"
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her: "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles,
flips her hair and says: "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he
only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds: "What's the matter
with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because
it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?!" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks: "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde looks at the
picture intently for a moment and says: "Hmmmm... the suspect wears
contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer! Wait here for a few minutes while
I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer
and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't
believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear
regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear!"
Three Tourists
Three tourists were traveling in South America: an Irishman, a
Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a bar in
a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict
dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar
fight soon started. The local military police arrivedand arrested
them.
At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even
worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the
dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in
solitary confinement.
Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are
foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may
choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you
wish for?"
The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey. The
Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine.
The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes.
The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison
and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of
the prison.
Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was
released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly
stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was
released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out
into freedom.
The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and
said, "Does anyone have a %&$*&@# match?"
Keeping Your Husband Home
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from
staying out late? Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would
simply say, 'Mike, is that you?' Wife #1: But I still don't
understand. How did that kept him from staying out? Wife #2: My
husband's name is Andrew.
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. The doctor asked if
he was still waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.
"Yes," says George. "But God has made it better for me. He knows my
eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it
off when I'm done!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith. "That's really something."
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is doing just fine physically, but has he been saying
any strange things to you lately? He mentioned that God turns the
light on and offfor him when uses the bathroom at night.
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will
need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over
the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of
the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and
says: "We are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found
that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for
fifteen bucks?"
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