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Jokes of the day
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally
hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh
told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front
door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When
the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had
been in there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then
he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter
showered me with kisses." explained the driver. "What did you
tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, "I
told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
- Joke 2 Stupid People awards: - It is once again time to vote for-the
Darwin Award Nominees. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are
for those Nominee:s who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).
The Nominees are: Nominee: No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified
man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut. Nominee: No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of
Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police
described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive
the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe
source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however,
and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee: No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally
shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to
the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone
but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged
when he drew it to his ear. Nominee: No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said
a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper
crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his
death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard
of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining
the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously
had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports.
Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the
Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest"
members of the 200-man association. Nominee: No.5 [Bloomburg News Service]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his
body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His
diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other
things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the
man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging
over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't
have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom.
According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity
for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick
and one was hospitalized. Nominee: No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael
Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several
years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction
before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on
a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he
bit into a wire and was electrocuted. Nominee: NO.7["The. Indianapolis
Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk,
Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel
of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged
in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died
in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said
Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing
properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder
ignited. Nominee: No.8 [lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently
being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out
without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store;
paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked
him to death. Nominee: No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot
a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly
when it fell on him. Nominee: No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting
Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting
cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off
his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer,
24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday
night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to
a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't
go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."
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