I'd really like to have this working cleanly on FreeBSD without requiring any funky shells
Define "funky shell". Does it have to be straight up plain sh? Can it use csh or tcsh syntax? Does bash count as 'funky'?
or using any temporary files.
Do you mean "manually created temp files"? because some of the different ways of doing process substitution and redirection will automatically create temp files for you in the background and fail on an unwritable filesystem.
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