Not tonight, Janette, this is war! (J is au PM's wife and Peter
Costello,succesor in waiting)
March 20, 2003
AS a proud Australian, I reject any suggestion that our Prime Minister is
but a pimple on George W. Bush's presidential posterior. Nothing, with the
possible exception of "kids overboard", is further from the truth.
We have, as our nation's leader, one of those rare figures in human history
whose face demands to be rendered eternal in Rushmore rock or, at very
least, in Carrara marble or pigeon-spackled bronze. For John Howard is
another Julius Caesar, another Napoleon, another Harold Holt.
Far from being a mere follower, our PM has led the coalition of the
willing, that triumvirate of English-speaking leaders, in this long awaited
war against a Middle East despot.
It is painfully obvious that Bush and Blair have taken their riding
instructions from Howard. You must have noticed the eerie way their
speeches are word for word for his. And they defer to our PM because, after
all, this is not his first war against recalcitrant Muslims. Who could
forget Howard's courageous battles against spies, terrorists and baby
drowners, those queue-jumpers from Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan? We will
fight them on the beaches! We will keep them on the Tampa!
As Howard told the National Press Club last week: "Even if Australia has to
fight Iraq alone – even if George and Tony have to pull out as a result of
domestic political pressures – we will bring Baghdad to its knees with our
Collins class submarines, our Jindivik missiles and, if necessary, our
fleet of VIP aircraft. Confronted by our awesome military might, Saddam
Hussein will simply surrender, along with his Praetorian Guard and his
entire army.
"While the bulk of Hussein's vanquished troops will be incarcerated on
Christmas Island, we've cleared Woomera Camp to serve as our Guatanamo Bay
for Hussein and his top brass. He will be kept manacled and blindfolded
while ruthlessly interrogated by our official inquisitor, Alan Jones.
"Make no mistake, we will succeed in this war! Australia's invasion of Iraq
will be our greatest military victory since Gallipoli! It will add new
lustre to the Anzac legend although, of course, the NZ will have to be
whited out because that wretched country is governed by Labour scaredy-cats.
"I would prefer to have the Americans and the British by our sides but they
are no means necessary. Nor do we give a rat's arse whether the United
Nations endorses our invasion. My only regret? The time wasted attempting
to bully, bamboozle, browbeat or bribe those UN bastards into submission.
The UN? Yet more evidence that multiculturalism never works.
"It is clear that history – indeed God himself – has chosen me for this
great purpose. Yes, there may be anti-Australian demos around the world and
I may well become a prime target for international terrorism. I have,
however, been in the firing line before, as you'll recall from my heroic
battle for the GST. And from the aftermath of Port Arthur where, as on this
occasion, I appeared before you wearing my bulletproof vest. To which I
have added Sir Donald Bradman's cricket box, and I thank the Bradman Museum
for the lend.
"Some countries, most countries, are simply swept along by events, whereas
others carve their own swathe. And I, fellow Australians, am a swathe
carver. I speak to you with the force of the great tectonic plates that
have Australia slowly but surely inching northwards, destined to collide
with Indonesia in just a few million years. But with me at the helm, the
process is greatly accelerated. Australia will soon run straight over
Jakarta, Malaysia and all our other neighbours to take up its rightful
position on the map. Out of the Pacific and smack bang in the middle of the
Atlantic! And the name of John Winston Julius Bonaparte Howard will thunder
through history. Not bad for a Methodist kid from Sydney who expected to
spend his life in a minor law office doing conveyancing.
"So watch out Saddam Hussein, John Howard is coming to get you! With or
without the support of a willing coalition. With or without the support of
the UN! With or without the support of the Australian people! Saddam –
you're finished. And while I've got you all here, the same applies to Peter
Costello."
