Capitalism for Dummies
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy
a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force
the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the
cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because
you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so
they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where
they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn
you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting
cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is
kinda cute...
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to
you. You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let�s make a hockey
team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people
milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and
arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and
wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie
rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who
needs people?
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a
tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new
president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance
sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to
Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the
concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war
mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue
anyone else who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter
implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot
milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of
them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for
by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows
with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the
most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works,
no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle
them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical
weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care
of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much
milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and
they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes
both and shoots you.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that
they should as well.
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes
both and drafts you.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire
guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes
them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men
from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
Jehovah�s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to
door telling people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the
government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots
one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't
have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans
you from milking them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government
requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and
humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper
class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs
milk.
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating
them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might
go down.
Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that
you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell
you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol
and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the
most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your
millions of dollars.
xponent
Axis of Milk Maru
rob
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